the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
