I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
3pm strippers are depressing
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He shit in the fireplace
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
