He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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