It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
