We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
my poor anus
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
