seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
