you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
