I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
