Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
