Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
