tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
