I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
