lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.