there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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