I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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