worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
