i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
