god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
third nipple confirmed
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
