p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
