i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
