You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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