Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
