did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
