remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize