weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
