I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
