We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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