I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
