How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
