Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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