When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
