the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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