even my farts smell like vagina
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
