Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
