Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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