I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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