Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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