Walk of Shame. In a state park.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
