Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
