oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
