WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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