My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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