I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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