I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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