I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Damn victory sex feels great
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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