Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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