How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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