bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
