hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
