Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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