I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
