Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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