fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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