I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
