I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
