im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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