you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
